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Relationships
I continued to
enter relationsihps that were emotionally abusive. It seemed I was
quite comfortable with that type of relationship. It took a while
to realize the pattern I had developed.
On a more positive note, I did have a few good
relationships which I am grateful for.
Name
Change
When I was adopted,
my name was changed from Karin Janin to Karen Ruth. Years later,
I decided to formally go back to the original spelling of my first
and middle name. I went to the library, photo copied a change of
name form, keyed it into the computer, made an appointment with
a judge, and within minutes I was back to my original name.
I had no idea why
I felt it necessary to do this, but that night I had a painfully
revealing dream explaining what had happened to me while I was
in the orphanage.
The dream narrator
showed me a picture of myself during those early years. It was
a distorted picture of a child who had been physically abused
and was very, very frightened. Then the dream narrator said "this
was what happened to you - this was you."
I woke up feeling a
great relief that some of my past had been revealed for I had
always wondered what those first four years of my life were like.
I spent the day crying, releasing and crying more. I couldn't
stop crying. I believe that was the most significant dream I've
ever had. That day I was able to let go of the past forever. I
was no longer angry - I understood the significance of the dream.
The past is over - all we have is the present and future.
Rape
Life was pretty tough
for me both financially and emotionally. The one thought I maintained
throughout those difficult years, was that I had three children
who needed me. Then the one thing I thought would never happen to
me, did.
I was raped by a man
who had raped seven women within a month. He had been in prison
for the same crime, and released on good behavior due to overcrowding
of prisons. To this day, I remember every moment of that rape
- I was so afraid. He held me at knife point, and I saw my life
flash in front of me. I remember thinking about wanting to see
my children - praying to God that I would not be taken from them.
The rapist left as quickly as he came and I was left in shock.
About a week later he was caught and sent back to jail, this time
for life. I was raped - violated. Gratefully, I've had time to
process this experience, to mentally forgive him for raping me
and forgive myself for feeling like it was my fault, as if I deserved
it.
If you've ever been
raped, seek emotional help through a therapist and/or support
groups. Don't handle this alone!
NEXT: Dreams DO Come True
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